Sunday, October 6, 2013

A Man and His Pizza

While Pennsylvanians still bicker over gay marriage, other parts of the country are already moving on:

 Washington Permits Marriage Between Man and Pizza 

Olympia, WA | Oct 4, 2013

 For years, Rick Santorum has warned that this day would come. His opponents called him crazy, some even called him a bigot, but yesterday's ruling from the Washington State Supreme Court has silenced their jeers. That's because sometime early next month Washington will become the first state to officially recognize a marriage between a man and a pizza.

In a controversial ruling on Friday, the Washington Supreme Court has declared that the state does not have an over-riding interest in preventing the marriage of Walla Walla resident James M. Harrison to his favorite Italian pie. While many are hailing the landmark decision as a watershed moment for human and pizza rights, Christian groups from across the country have called the ruling "outrageous" and "insulting."

"The State has failed to prove the necessity of placing limitations on the bonds of human affection, whether those bonds be between a man and a woman, a man and a man, or a man and a pizza," wrote Chief Justice Gaston Moore, who authored the majority opinion. "The State's outdated maritial laws have violated Mr. Harrison's 14th Amendment rights to equal protection, as well as his God-given rights to love who, and what, he chooses." Harrison reports that he plans to wed his beloved pizza in a civil ceremony sometime next week.

Groups like the North American Man-Food Love Association (NAMFLA) have called the ruling an historic step forward in the struggle for recognition of human-food couples. However, several Christian groups have decried the ruling. Rev. Bill Wigglestaff of the group Christians Under the New Testament released a statement on Friday condemning the decision and warning that this new development will undoubtedly bring the down the wrath of the almighty. "The Lord is not mocked," said Rev. Wigglestaff, "but he is sorely pissed off."

In the wider population, views are equally mixed. A recent poll showed that 52% of Americans support civil unions between people and food, 46% are opposed, and 2% can't believe someone's actually getting paid to ask them this sh*t.

On Friday, Mr. Harrison expressed his gratitude to Judge Moore and his joy at finally being able to recieve official recognition for the years-long relationship he has enjoyed with one very special pizza. "Before this ruling, if I had to go to the hospital for some reason, my delivery driver wasn't allowed to come see me. Now, they'll be allowed to escort my beloved pie into my room. It may not seem like much, but for someone like me it's a real big deal ."

 "I only see my parents a couple times a year, but I see [delivery drivers] Chuck and Wanda practically every day," Harrison added, "they're as much a part of my family as anybody."

Outside the courthouse, protestors both for and against made their feelings known.

"We need more love in this world," said Sharon Reese, one of the pro-human-food-marriage activists, "and when someone finds it we shouldn't judge them for it or tell them it's wrong. If someone wants to have intimate relations with a food product in the privacy of their own home, I say more power to them."

Others were not so sanguine. "Mark my words, the Lord will make us pay for this," said one anti-marriage protestor. "Marriage was intended to be between man and woman, not man and pizza. What's next, letting someone get married to their favorite TV show?" Another protestor added, "The bible is very clear; it says if a man lies with a falafel as with a woman, he shall be stoned to death. God obviously does not approve of man-on-food relationships. No good will come of this."

God could not be reached for comment.